Before It All Came Crashing Down (Happy New Year)


Here I am last new year - before it all came crashing down - making a spiritual commitment to “amplify in stillness” and embody the archetype of Priest/ess. Like the Oracle at Delphi, I vowed to disappear into silence and stillness, going deep within, and amplifying TRUTH. On the human plane, this has been the first full year of my life I haven’t travelled. After an entire adult life of four months of travel a year, and living internationally, Slipping into the stillness of one location this year has allowed me to connect with the inner world even more. Being autistic (and a human design Mental Projector for those of you who know what that is) means I am more sensitive to environments than most. So it’s no wonder that stillness has allowed so many layers that weren’t me to strip away. All that I had been unconsciously running from came rushing forward, like a deluge, drowning me for a time in HER sapphire waters of re-member-ance. In being drowned, I was called to alchemize overwhelm, depression, anxiety and suicide in shocking ways, for myself and for the collective; my 12 years of conscious spiritual preparation leading to this pivotal time. Autistically, I received my diagnosis this year after hearing about masking, which is a reason so many female autistics go undiagnosed as we can be very good at pretending to be neurotypical, even fooling ourselves into believing so.

Knowing I’m actually autistic is a grace I’m so incredibly grateful for. Here’re a few reasons why.:

  1. Masking - knowing about masking as a protective mechanism for assimilation into a neurotypically designed world has been life changing. This awareness itself has allowed me to lean into authentic expression and being. It’s challenging, because the habit is insidious and it’s so fun, each time I show up in full realness. AND it’s getting better all the time.

  2. Meltdowns - Growing up, meltdowns were called tantrums, as if they were a choice. Understanding the neurological reasons behind the emotional and sensory overwhelm that my system is susceptible to has allowed me to reframe the ways I internalized being “attention seeking”, “too sensitive” and “throwing tantrums”. The first meltdown I had after my diagnosis turned into a week-long shame clearing and self love integration and each meltdown since has had less and less of that caustic, bitter shame flavoring to it. In fact, before, during and after my meltdown last week, I was shame and guilt free. I truly just loved myself through it all!

  3. Awareness is curative in general - but let’s look at anxiety and depression. Having danced with these energies my whole life, I have such a deeper understanding of why these two energies are such a part of the autistic experience and knowing I’m autistic gives me a lens of grace to be with them. I am able to more consciously use tools like breathing and theta waves for anxiety and OH, how I am fully on board with my self prescribed Anti-Depressant of (near) daily walks. Daily walks in nature for grounding, breathing, nature, sun and Heart Rate variability are more life changing than ever. One of my spiritual gifts is to discern deep meaning and gratitude for every.single.experience in life, from our most traumatic events to the way that a leaf falls at my feet in a particular pattern of movement. I don’t judge experiences and friends and clients often come to me to be witnessed from a place of loving open heartedness about challenging situations. This gift of committing myself to being the embodiment of the archetype you see me pictured as here is that these commitments truly do shape our reality. Where the awareness goes, energy flows. Each commitment we make, with our mind body and soul will bear the most beautiful fruits, even beyond what we can currently imagine (like being autistic). Never could I have imagined that in making this commitment to embody the priestess archetype in 2020, all my years of preparation leading to this time of folding in on myself more so than I had ever done… and the entire world would follow, and we would collectively be on a journey to reveal more of Truer selves in unprecedented ways. My personal journey has shown me the revelation of autism, and I watch with bubbling anticipation what will continue to unfold for the collective. The unique mapping of a totally different neurotype that my body and mind communicate, becoming the key to unlocking the secrets of Who I Really Am — At a Soul Level — An energetic map and projection field of energy, in constant communion with the energy fields around me, seen and unseen and the blueprint of how to honor this more. As my/OUR TRUE EXPRESSION continues to amplify in stillness, those habits of conforming to inauthentic expectations release in the soothing waters of forgiveness, our voices rings Truer, our movements flow freer, our joy is more infectious and our electromagnetic heart fields more cohesive and harmonious than ever. Here’s to a New Year, and a New Way of Being.