In July, I had a glorious breakdown. Packing up to leave yet another place after over a year of moving every week or few, I broke down on the kitchen floor. Body like bricks. Heart shattered. “No more!” I screamed again and again, pulling at my hair, body writhing, tears flooding. We were leaving a housesit in Fairfax, Ca and would be continuing our “home free life on the road” with friends in L.A, SF and more housesits.
(Many of you know we bought land a year ago in Mendocino, but because of coastal and historical zoning, it’s a long process to get approval to be able to build.)
After a good hour on the kitchen floor, I tried packing up a bit more. Then I broke down on the bathroom floor. Then in the car on the way to L.A. Then, at the guesthouse that night, another whirlwind of explosive rock bottom despair and sobbing. Then a week of glorious darkness.
I love these places of break down and despair. I now know that something amazing is coming from these deep dives. These deaths to old ways. I don’t shy away from them. I welcome it all.
And sure enough, that “no more!” has manifested into me buying my first home!
That week of the breakdown I made a list of what I needed by September. A home to live in until the temple is build, with lots of light, luxurious bathtub, get my stuff out of storage, easefully found and moved into, in nature, great climate and lots of sun, amazing landlord if any and a few more things. All of which this beautiful little home has.
Buying this home has been the culmination of alchemizing a lot of shadow around guilt and privilege into deservedness, easefullness, freedom and joy.
I believe this break down process reflects collectively as well. The amazon burning, anybody??! the me too movement, China in Hong Kong, Trump in the U.S, etc. are you feeling that “no more” screaming out of you? There is a breakdown happening on our planet. A tipping point. The point of no return.
I trust in the magic of where we are. Where I am. I trust. I commit myself to love, only love again and again and again. I do not shy away from emotion and I do not dwell in emotional engulfment.
I rest in a place of joyful stillness in the axis Mundi.
This picture shows the solar cross, axis mundi resting place and a key, gifted to me by my beloved’s dear girlfriend, where we stayed for my summer breakdown. That breakdown that was the death of homelessness, to constant movement, to the unconscious belief that I would be bad for living comfortably when others suffer.
I am keeper of the keys. Priestess of the solar cross. Resting in the still point of joy and emotional alchemy as the world goes up in flames. I cry out, “no more” to greed, power over and suffering.
I am a stand for love, only love. And so it is.